Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the other?
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Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the other? - 7/10/2010 1:25:06 AM
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kasiald
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I AM wondering why would someone wish to be the one who is just like the one?
I also cannot fathom God leading both myself and a fellow to one another only to hear Him say: "no it wasn't suppose to be you, I (meaning, the Lord) just used you to show him another girl."
Would you wish to be the other girl. By that I mean, if a guy fell in love, then ran away, but felt as though the character of the girl had fallen for is what God wished for his life if he were to ever marry and then was attracted to you because you reminded him of the first girl (though you do not know that ... it would most likely be something he was unaware of) would you want to be the other girl. The assumptions here are, he is a caring man who loves and serves God. Has made some mistakes and is very repented of those mistakes.
Editted to take out my little (okay big :-) vent!
< Message edited by kasiald -- 7/10/2010 10:10:53 PM >
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 11:08:40 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2743
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Welcome to the forum, Kasiald. I'm sorry your heart is so hurt.
I would have several obvious observations to make but you have asked people to respond only to the emboldened part, so I will respect that.
quote:
Now I am not going to say or do anything but pray ... but in my freshly open wounded state I AM wondering why would someone wish to be the one who is just like the one?
Possibly because you are a real person but "someone out there" can be a fantasy that doesn't obligate him to real life. It may be that he is scared of reality, or he likes the idea of getting but doesn't want or doesn't know how to give. Or... his past sin scares him and he is protecting you and longing for the fantasy. Or, like guys who are into porn (I'm not saying he is), a fantasy woman is always ready to give and never needs to be taken care of or needs money and never has PMS; no real woman can compete with that. Or he's just letting you down easy and is lying, thinking he's being kind to you.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 11:19:35 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1230
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
Now I am not going to say or do anything but pray ... but in my freshly open wounded state I AM wondering why would someone wish to be the one who is just like the one?
*Low self esteem.
If there's any orchestrating going on it would be the guy you were seeing-- who's seeking
after girls with a certain look and he feeds them lines about being together/marriage and sharing
the same goal etc... as you can see the things he told to you were false>> he ended the engagement
over the phone. God doesn't lie... mankind will lie and manipulate.
It would be wise to seek spiritual counseling from your minister. Get back into building your
faith walk with the Lord and focus on getting on with your life.
The bf/gf relationship is over... cut the strings with this guy who is feeding you falsehoods.
He's not even friend material... put him on the prayer list at church.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 12:26:54 PM
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kasiald
Posts: 12
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Deermouse,
Thank you for trying to answer the question. I am guessing all that venting I did lead to an answer I was not asking ... I probably was not very clear.
quote:
Possibly because you are a real person but "someone out there" can be a fantasy that doesn't obligate him to real life. It may be that he is scared of reality, or he likes the idea of getting but doesn't want or doesn't know how to give. Or... his past sin scares him and he is protecting you and longing for the fantasy.
I understand that these are possible reasons he acted the way he did with me. But that is not what I was asking. :-) I really am not attempting to figure out what went on in him. God will heal whatever the hurts that need to be healed as this fellow lets Him, in His time. I do not have to know.
quote:
If there's any orchestrating going on it would be the guy you were seeing-- who's seeking
after girls with a certain look and he feeds them lines about being together/marriage and sharing
the same goal etc... as you can see the things he told to you were false>> he ended the engagement
over the phone. God doesn't lie... mankind will lie and manipulate.
This is not an accurate description of what happened ... which is the reason I asked for an attempt to restrain from speculating and judging another from a few paragraphs that were written as a way to vent. As I stated, I just needed to express myself and to be heard. Have not had that flood of hurt in a while and simply needed to vent.
There is no way I can go into the kind of detail you would need to form an accurate picture of what happened. This is a public forum and I do not wish to give enough details for anyone to recognize themselves or recognize the one I am talking about. I understand with the little I have given it will be easy to conclude falsely about everyone (including myself) I have described in my vent. I will only become frustrated with others who attempt to give unasked for counsel on this one because there is not a way to provide an accurate description here. As far as a "type" he is not looking for any type. That was the first fellow I encountered, I believe you may have gotten the two confused. I do not feel it is necessary to clear up that misunderstanding because it has nothing to do with the question I am asking. :-)
quote:
It would be wise to seek spiritual counseling from your minister. Get back into building your
faith walk with the Lord and focus on getting on with your life.
Again ... some false assumptions here ... I have had counsel and am very close to the Lord. I not only believe in Him, but believe Him, obey Him and trust Him with everything I encounter. I have a peace that transcends human understanding on this road He is leading. He has opened some amazing doors in my life and I am walking with Him through those doors.
To clarify ... my question is:
Would you wish to be the other girl. By that I mean, if a guy fell in love, then ran away, but felt as though the character of the girl had fallen for is what God wished for his life if he were to ever marry and then was attracted to you because you reminded him of the first girl (though you do not know that ... it would most likely be something he was unaware of) would you want to be the other girl. The assumptions here are, he is a caring man who loves and serves God. Has made some mistakes and is very repented of those mistakes.
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 12:27:58 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3011
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:
Now I am not going to say or do anything but pray ... but in my freshly open wounded state I AM wondering why would someone wish to be the one who is just like the one?
I think everyone has a concept of "the one". We all have this idea of the type of person we'd like to be with. However, just because we meet someone who have those qualities doesn't mean we'll click with them. There's a lot of relationships that looks good on paper but do not work out because there's other factors that determine what who we would be attracted to.
I can meet a guy that has all the qualities that I'm looking for, but if I'm not attracted to him to begin with, that relationship won't take off. There's the thing called sparks and chemistry and all the other things that people are always telling us to not to worry about. For a lot of us, those things are just as equally important as the qualities that can be written down on paper.
Is it a possibility that the person was just infatuated with you? Infatuation does that to people. They make them say a lot of crazy stuff. Men seems to feel very infatuated easily and they say a lot of silly things during this stage. I've had men telling me I'm the one, or imagine us getting married or put our names together within the first month of dating. While it feels good to hear them, I don't think they're thinking right during this stage, so I don't really put much weight into what they say. If after at least six months of togetherness where he has seen my bad side, and after a few arguments later a man still wants to marry me, then, I'm likely to believe it a little. Otherwise, I'd just enjoy the infatuation stage for what it is. Men are goofy that way.
_____________________________
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Psalm 40: 1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 12:45:03 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3011
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:
you wish to be the other girl. By that I mean, if a guy fell in love, then ran away, but felt as though the character of the girl had fallen for is what God wished for his life if he were to ever marry and then was attracted to you because you reminded him of the first girl (though you do not know that ... it would most likely be something he was unaware of) would you want to be the other girl. The assumptions here are, he is a caring man who loves and serves God. Has made some mistakes and is very repented of those mistakes.
Well, I think once a person falls out of love from the other person and he's with me, I wouldn't have a problem with it. The people we fall in love with is a mixture of a lot of different people and the qualities that we've learned to love. So, if he's with me and he tells me he has once fallen for someone like me in the past and he thought highly of her, why would I object to that.
To be honest, as I grow older, I'm beginning to see the influences of the men I've loved in the type of men that attract me right now. I've had 3 ex boyfriends that really mattered to me. Though none of them worked out, all of them contributed something to my growth. They all opened a different world for me. In some ways, I tend to look for the qualities that I experience in them when I look at meeting new men. Plus, I once had a brother that I deeply admired. I look for someone a lot like him, with all the good qualities that he had. Does that mean I want my brother, or I want my exes back? No. I want their good qualities. They point me to the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Equally, their bad qualities made me realize the type of person I don't want to be with.
Does that help? I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear. Bottom line is, no, while I wouldn't want to be the girl who is just like the one, it wouldn't matter to me if I'm just like her if his affections towards me is genuine and "the one" was supposedly a truly awesome person. It would actually be a compliment.
_____________________________
-------------------------------------
Psalm 40: 1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 1:45:19 PM
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kasiald
Posts: 12
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
you wish to be the other girl. By that I mean, if a guy fell in love, then ran away, but felt as though the character of the girl had fallen for is what God wished for his life if he were to ever marry and then was attracted to you because you reminded him of the first girl (though you do not know that ... it would most likely be something he was unaware of) would you want to be the other girl. The assumptions here are, he is a caring man who loves and serves God. Has made some mistakes and is very repented of those mistakes.
Well, I think once a person falls out of love from the other person and he's with me, I wouldn't have a problem with it. The people we fall in love with is a mixture of a lot of different people and the qualities that we've learned to love. So, if he's with me and he tells me he has once fallen for someone like me in the past and he thought highly of her, why would I object to that.
To be honest, as I grow older, I'm beginning to see the influences of the men I've loved in the type of men that attract me right now. I've had 3 ex boyfriends that really mattered to me. Though none of them worked out, all of them contributed something to my growth. They all opened a different world for me. In some ways, I tend to look for the qualities that I experience in them when I look at meeting new men. Plus, I once had a brother that I deeply admired. I look for someone a lot like him, with all the good qualities that he had. Does that mean I want my brother, or I want my exes back? No. I want their good qualities. They point me to the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Equally, their bad qualities made me realize the type of person I don't want to be with.
Does that help? I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear. Bottom line is, no, while I wouldn't want to be the girl who is just like the one, it wouldn't matter to me if I'm just like her if his affections towards me is genuine and "the one" was supposedly a truly awesome person. It would actually be a compliment.
Thank you for your answer Prairiehiker.
I enjoyed your perspective and I think I would agree with you if I didn't have a strong belief in God's sovereignty in all things. Though we have choices that we make freely (that effect our present and future circumstances), I believe He is able to orchestrate those choices in His sovereign plan for our lives in ways we are not capable of understanding. Because of that, I would wonder if I was getting in the way of God's plan if I thought that maybe he should have been with the other person. To play the devil's advocate I could argue that it doesn't matter if I get in the way, God will do what He will do in the end. I also do not enjoy being hurt, so selfishly, I would want to be very, very sure before I moved forward with the guy. I (and this is one of my flaws!! :-)) would be wondering if I was out of God's will if I wondered if the two (the guy and the one he admires) are His plan. Though I do not wish to debate which view is right, I do understand that my view of God's will and ways in my life effect my answer of this question.
In your previous post you mentioned chemistry. Chemistry is a goofy thing. I definitely believe it is part of the picture, but ... I also know that if a person is going through something difficult, they will not have chemistry with anyone during that time. They are simply too closed off to be transparent enough for chemistry to work in a relationship. When we are guarded, it effects the way we interact and relate to others. One of my problems is when I am hurting and covering that hurt in order to interact, there is no chance of chemistry. I have definitely mastered the art of throwing water on a fire in a subtle way that makes someone believe there is nothing there in terms of "do we click." (For instance, a loved one is in the hospital yet I am obligated to be somewhere else. I may be so upset by the circumstance that I have to remove myself from my feelings in order to function. On the outside I will seem happy and in control; but I am so guarded in those moments, that had I met an individual under different circumstances, there would be sparks flying all over between the two of us. They would never know that if they are going only on "is there any chemistry in this moment.")
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 2:07:11 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1230
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quote:
I also want to emphasis, I do not know what is happening ... it could very well be vain imaginations I need to take captive. But I am aware how, even though I am serving and seeking my Father's heart ... and thought I had let go ... I am still very much in love with this guy. I guess that will probably not just go away.
*My answer is based on this part of your post.
Encouraging you to continue seeking the Lord and building your faith walk
is good advice...so continue doing that.
quote:
quote:
To clarify ... my question is:
Would you wish to be the other girl. By that I mean, if a guy fell in love, then ran away, but felt as though the character of the girl had fallen for is what God wished for his life if he were to ever marry and then was attracted to you because you reminded him of the first girl (though you do not know that ... it would most likely be something he was unaware of) would you want to be the other girl. The assumptions here are, he is a caring man who loves and serves God. Has made some mistakes and is very repented of those mistakes.
*No I wouldn't wish to be the other girl.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 8:55:15 PM
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bolt.
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I don't think I'd care if the guy I ended up with was someone who had a reasonably good previous relationship that helped him form the idea of what 'kind' of girl was well suited to him. What are you thinking would bother people about that? It seems pretty normal and healthy to me.
(And it doesn't make the first girl God's pawn. I think the relationship probably had some good in it for her too.)
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 10:07:27 PM
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kasiald
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
I don't think I'd care if the guy I ended up with was someone who had a reasonably good previous relationship that helped him form the idea of what 'kind' of girl was well suited to him. What are you thinking would bother people about that? It seems pretty normal and healthy to me.
I am not "talking" about a healthy way of finding traits in someone that you carry with you ... my question is about taking a that type of thing to the extreme where the new girl reminds you of the old one. It is more of looking for a substitution than a gathering of traits that I am inquiring about. More of an "everything about you reminds me of her" kind of mentality. I am thinking about a couple of people I have met who did this, and the gal who came next didn't seem to mind. It quite honestly would bother me ... I would feel as though it wasn't really me he was looking for.
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 10:41:37 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3011
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:
I am not "talking" about a healthy way of finding traits in someone that you carry with you ... my question is about taking a that type of thing to the extreme where the new girl reminds you of the old one. It is more of looking for a substitution than a gathering of traits that I am inquiring about. More of an "everything about you reminds me of her" kind of mentality. I am thinking about a couple of people I have met who did this, and the gal who came next didn't seem to mind. It quite honestly would bother me ... I would feel as though it wasn't really me he was looking for.
Actually, when the emotional attachment to a certain person is gone, you can view the good qualities of that person without much emotional response. Someone who has those same qualities might remind you of the first person, but I doubt if it will bring up old feelings. That's if the feelings are gone.
My daughter's dad has an alpha male personality. He was a police officer. I loved that in him. The man I dated recently had that same personality and I loved him for it. He didn't remind me of my daughter's dad. I was happy to have someone whom I felt had the temperament that I needed and wanted. It made me feel safe. So, to a degree, my daughter's dad pointed me to the type of man I want to be with but my affection for the last guy was genuine and it wasn't cluttered with any old feelings for my ex.
_____________________________
-------------------------------------
Psalm 40: 1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/10/2010 11:24:18 PM
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kasiald
Posts: 12
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
I am not "talking" about a healthy way of finding traits in someone that you carry with you ... my question is about taking a that type of thing to the extreme where the new girl reminds you of the old one. It is more of looking for a substitution than a gathering of traits that I am inquiring about. More of an "everything about you reminds me of her" kind of mentality. I am thinking about a couple of people I have met who did this, and the gal who came next didn't seem to mind. It quite honestly would bother me ... I would feel as though it wasn't really me he was looking for.
Actually, when the emotional attachment to a certain person is gone, you can view the good qualities of that person without much emotional response. Someone who has those same qualities might remind you of the first person, but I doubt if it will bring up old feelings. That's if the feelings are gone.
My daughter's dad has an alpha male personality. He was a police officer. I loved that in him. The man I dated recently had that same personality and I loved him for it. He didn't remind me of my daughter's dad. I was happy to have someone whom I felt had the temperament that I needed and wanted. It made me feel safe. So, to a degree, my daughter's dad pointed me to the type of man I want to be with but my affection for the last guy was genuine and it wasn't cluttered with any old feelings for my ex.
I understand that to be true ... I am not "talking" about something healthy though. :-)
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/11/2010 11:27:58 AM
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bolt.
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Then it sounds like you are pretty sure that what he is doing is unhealthy and wrong. Why did you ask the rest of us what we thought? From the story you have told, the rest of us have no reason to consider his behaviour unhealthy. (And since there is no such thing as another girl who has everything in common with you, I would also consider the situation that you are convinced is happening in his heart to be actually impossible.)
It sounds to me very much like you are simply going through grief regarding the loss of this relationship, and are looking for personal support. I hope you are able to find that. It's not easy to get past a relationship and rejection like this one.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/11/2010 12:15:02 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3011
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
Then it sounds like you are pretty sure that what he is doing is unhealthy and wrong. Why did you ask the rest of us what we thought? From the story you have told, the rest of us have no reason to consider his behaviour unhealthy. (And since there is no such thing as another girl who has everything in common with you, I would also consider the situation that you are convinced is happening in his heart to be actually impossible.)
It sounds to me very much like you are simply going through grief regarding the loss of this relationship, and are looking for personal support. I hope you are able to find that. It's not easy to get past a relationship and rejection like this one.
I agree with this. If there's been no communication between you and him in almost two years, you have no way of knowing where his head is at. Two years is a long time. But I've been thru the same experience before and I know what it's like to love someone so much and wait and wait. God actually brought someone back into my life so that I can finally see why it didn't work out. It helped me move on after being stuck in the waiting/grieving period for a long time.
_____________________________
-------------------------------------
Psalm 40: 1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/11/2010 3:34:11 PM
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kasiald
Posts: 12
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
Then it sounds like you are pretty sure that what he is doing is unhealthy and wrong. Why did you ask the rest of us what we thought? From the story you have told, the rest of us have no reason to consider his behaviour unhealthy. (And since there is no such thing as another girl who has everything in common with you, I would also consider the situation that you are convinced is happening in his heart to be actually impossible.)
It sounds to me very much like you are simply going through grief regarding the loss of this relationship, and are looking for personal support. I hope you are able to find that. It's not easy to get past a relationship and rejection like this one.
I agree with this. If there's been no communication between you and him in almost two years, you have no way of knowing where his head is at. Two years is a long time. But I've been thru the same experience before and I know what it's like to love someone so much and wait and wait. God actually brought someone back into my life so that I can finally see why it didn't work out. It helped me move on after being stuck in the waiting/grieving period for a long time.
Bolt and Prairiehiker,
I am not talking about my situation. I do not have a situation. I had a little relapse of some things from the past that was over as soon as I vented. I am not asking about this particular fellow. I do not believe he is doing anything unhealthy ... my vent caused me to think of things I have observed in others. I know of a couple where this scenario I am asking about applies. I do not think it is my place to give the details of what is going on there, so I simply asked about and unhealthy attachment to a past memory that causes someone to marry someone who reminds them of the one they love but can't have in an otherwise "healthy" person who cares for others and loves God. That is what I am asking about.
Bolt I specifically stated before I deleted my vent that I was venting and I was not looking any advice about that particular rant. I made it clear I could not and would not share any details here, (in fact even the details I shared are not accurate, I wish to protect both my identity and the identity of the one I was venting about, so I wrote things that could fit my frustration level and were similar, but not similar enough for anyone to be able to give advice to me or anyone else involved ... that is why I specifically stated I was not looking for advice; it would be impossible for anyone to give me advice based on what I wrote; I was wanting to express my feelings without telling why I was feeling that way).
I do not know how to be clearer than I am doing right now.
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RE: Would you wish to be the girl who was just like the... - 7/11/2010 5:17:46 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1230
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
I am not talking about my situation. I do not have a situation.
<shaking my head> Is this all hypothetical stuff or what? we are trying
to help but it seems you keep changing the subject.
I'm done with this question.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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