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RE: "The Talk" - 3/2/2010 10:27:45 AM
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jhuperetes
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Actually I do not think we ever had solid "the talk" yet, at the same time I am quite sure we discussed various aspects of it for years now.
Our most recent discussion was on 5-Hydroxytryptamine i.e. serotonin - which became the subject of 'why touching and being touched are special'.
My boy/girl twins are 14. And I am a single dad.
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/2/2010 10:36:48 AM
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W.O.F.
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We don't do "the Talk"...we do a series of talks..that answer each question the kids have in an age appropriate way. Obviously, by the time they are about 10 or so...they have most of the fact, albeit NOT in graphic detail.
Waiting to do ONE talk is foolish and will prevent them from talking openly with you, as well as being just really uncomfortable for both parties. Answering openly and honestly the questions young children ask in an age appropriate way (such as the 5 year olds...how does the baby get in your tummy" answered with Mommies and daddies have special hugs and kisses that they give each other and that helps a baby to grow in mommy's tummy, etc) opens the door for later discussions.
Moms can talk to sons just as easily as they can to daughters.....it is better in many ways if a dad does it...because he's been there! but there is nothing saying mom can't talk to her boys or vice versa dad can't talk to girls.....the point is to have open communication lines...period!
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/2/2010 11:03:49 AM
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manda59
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Started talking with both of mine at age 3-4 (about parts which are "private", about keeping themselves safe, and about where babies grow and come out), then made the topic something we talked about regularly, openly and naturally as they got older. I didn't wait till they asked questions, because I think the danger there is that if the topic hasn't been one that has been openly discussed, they may not ask their parents as a first port of call, and I'd rather their first source of information was me and my husband, not their peers.
I'm with WOF, I believe that what is most beneficial is a series of talks, open conversations, not just one "talk".
My two both knew about sex by the time they were about 7, and we carried on talking about it regularly and openly, as things came up, right the way through, including when my ds was starting high school (which is age 11 here) when I was warning him about the possibility of predatory girls touching boys up or offering oral sex. I strongly believe that forewarned is forearmed, and that the more that children know about sex, from the right source, the less they are likely to want to try it out for themselves. Because we were always so open and unembarrassed about it, that's how they became about it as well, and were comfortable asking questions.
Girls especially need to know about it all quite early on, as nowadays some start their periods as early as 7 or 8.
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/2/2010 1:03:19 PM
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W.O.F.
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exactly Manda...we didn't always wait for the questions either...there were a lot of the topics we addressed pre-emptively....
Especially as they get older...there are fewer questions they ask..and more information they need....but if the lines of communication are there...it isn't uncomfortable to the point of misery..a little shyness perhaps...but it can be talked about..and lets them know that NOTHING is off limits for conversation!
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/2/2010 1:27:28 PM
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christsstar
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I wasn't a part of "the talk" with either of my step-kids, but recent actions in the extended family have prompted DH and I to sit down with them and have more discussions with them about God's design for sex and consequences of pre-marital sex outside of STDs and pregnancy.
When the kids received the talk, DH nor his ex were attending church, so it was a strictly fact-based discussion. Now that DH and I are together and the kids are getting active in the church, and sadly at an age where many are sexually active, we want to really hone in on God's design.
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/2/2010 4:59:16 PM
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manda59
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In that case, a good way to start might be to ask him about what he has already heard on the subject. That way, right from the start, you can dispense with any myths or half-truths that he has already picked up. And he *will* have, believe me.
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/2/2010 5:00:49 PM
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W.O.F.
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I suggest for your OWN reading to get you started, Tim and Beverly LaHaye's book Against the Tide: How to Raise Sexually Pure Kids in an "Anything-Goes" World. It helps give you, as a parent, ideas on how to start the conversations and what, typically, they need to know at any given age (I have read this one..and recommend it personally).
It talking to other parents, here are some books they recommend (although I cannot give them MY personal recommendation...cause I haven't read them myself):
What's Love Got to Do With It! Talking Confidently with Your Kids About Sex by John Chirban
How to Talk Confidently with Your Child About Sex: Fifth Edition by Lenore Buth
here is a pretty good series to read WITH your children...they have books for each age group (I've linked each series to an overview and where you can get them):
God's Design for Sex Series
and Learning about Sex Series
I've used books from both of those series..and they are helpful....especially if you read them first (to yourself) and then have your child read them with you....opening up for discussion after each section to answer questions, etc.
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/2/2010 5:05:47 PM
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W.O.F.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
In that case, a good way to start might be to ask him about what he has already heard on the subject. That way, right from the start, you can dispense with any myths or half-truths that he has already picked up. And he *will* have, believe me.
oh yeah...at age 10.....
he has heard way more than he should have...and most of it will be wrong...
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/2/2010 9:11:57 PM
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Hislittleone
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I was essentially a single mom for the first 7 years of ds1's life and we always kept an open dialogue about these kinds of things. As he asked questions out of curiosity, I would answer in an age appropriate way (much like W.O.F. and Manda).
My husband went through the Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle book by Fred Stoeker and thought it was really good. I think ds was around 11 or 12 at the time. Of course, by then ds already knew all the basics about sex from all of our talks over the years.
We put it off going through the book a bit longer than we should have. I think it's great for boys between the ages of 10 and 12.
I recently had a conversation with ds who is now almost 14 and it was a little more uncomfortable than it used to be. LOL I've always taught him that God designed sex to be reserved for marriage and I've explained some of the consequences of going outside that perfect design like disease, pregnancy, emotional ties, etc. I've taught him what I believe is right according to my beliefs (which are now his as well since he's become a Christian) but I've also warned him that should he decide to have sex outside of marriage he needs to make sure he is using protection in order to minimize the risks. So we've talked a little about what "protection" is and how it's not always fullproof. I've taught him that he can get diseases from not only sex, but also from various forms of making out. (Trying to explain this without violating TOS. LOL) I just want him to be as prepared as possible when he is faced with these decisions.
Some of the things that dh has discussed with ds are the changes his body is going through. I think that's a really important area to cover. Beginning around 10 yrs of age they start having their hormones go wild and some of the things that they go through may disturb or frighten them if they aren't taught it's a natural part of growing up. (Kind of like young ladies who think they're dying when they start their period because they didn't know what it was.)
My husband has also taught ds about how to keep his thoughts pure and has taught him how to bounce his eyes away from images that he finds provocative. I think it's important to address not only the outward physical actions and changes but must teach them about mental purity as well. Somehow that doesn't sound quite right but hopefully I said it well enough to get my point across. 
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 3/2/2010 9:27:28 PM >
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Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/2/2010 9:37:21 PM
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W.O.F.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
My husband has also taught ds about how to keep his thoughts pure and has taught him how to bounce his eyes away from images that he finds provocative. I think it's important to address not only the outward physical actions and changes but must teach them about mental purity as well. Somehow that doesn't sound quite right but hopefully I said it well enough to get my point across.
this has always been part of our training as well.....it is because of the physical drive that we have to teach them to protect their minds, etc....and that goes for girls as well as boys.
It is very important to teach them sexual purity..not just virginity.
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/3/2010 12:31:07 AM
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luvsrickforever
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My parents never talked about it either. I was born in 1954. That was something that wasn't talked about. Talking about touching didn't start in families and schools until way after I graduated high school.
I guess I was blessed with the bullying that happened to me and going to Catholic school because I never did anything. I wanted to and thought about it for a little while, but never, ever did anything. I'm sure I knew how it was all done but when I was 17 I think, my parents gave me a book to read. It was geared for 10-12 year olds I think. It seemed very young to me. When I got done with it, I gave it to my middle sister and then she gave it to my youngest sister who would have been 10 at the time. We are 7 years apart in age. They are so lucky that nothing happened with any of us at a young age. Nobody wanted to date me and the guy I liked only liked me as a friend. Nothing was ever going to happen and I am proud to say I am a virgin to this day! Unless I get married, I will probably die a virgin too.
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/3/2010 8:48:24 AM
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W.O.F.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: luvsrickforever
My parents never talked about it either. I was born in 1954. That was something that wasn't talked about. Talking about touching didn't start in families and schools until way after I graduated high school.
That is a family by family thing...even in today's society. Which is sad.
My mom's mother talked to her kids about everything from the time they were young...and my mom was born in 1943. My grandmother's mother talked to her kids about everything.....and my grandmother was born in 1915.....
Just because it is talked about does not mean that all the details need to be filled in.....
It doesn't need to be treated "lightly" because sex is precious..and that is the reason why it is so important that a child's information come from parents.....
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/3/2010 9:31:38 AM
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DaveW
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IMO it is best to have a series of little talks as questions come up.
DW insisted she (alone) would talk to the girls and I would talk to the boy. I did and she did not. When they got old enough I made sure the girls read Dobson's "Preparing for Adolescence" and told them to talk to their mom if they had questions. (nothing)
NOW they have a series of books that appear quite good and broken down by age group: God's Design for Sex by Stan and Brenna Jones. WOF has a link up in post 10. There are 4 books plus a book for the parents as well:
How & When to Tell Your Kids About Sex
Age 10 in this day and age is late. There is a lot of wrong and secular (amoral) information out there that even 10 year olds have run into several times already.
I believe you are a single mom, right? My mom was also a single mom when I was at that age so she had my favorite uncle (her kid brother) give me the "talk." What was missing from that approach was the open door to ask questions on an ongoing basis. Uncle Gary lived half way across the state at that point.
< Message edited by DaveW -- 3/3/2010 11:51:35 AM >
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/3/2010 10:21:48 AM
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GraceyGirl
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I haven't read everyone elses posts yet, but wanted to reply with my thoughts on this.
For us, DS was prob about 8 when he asked me outright about sex. Up till that point, he knew a bit about WHERE babies come from, but not the HOW of it. Our hamster had a litter - busted open the door for conversation. He waylaid me in the car, and when it was over with, and we got home he walked in, gave his daddy, my husband a whithering look, and stalked off to his bedroom. LOL 
Since that time, we've had lots of conversations (he's now 12) including several that were just me and him.I think it's PERFECTLY acceptable for Mom's to talk to son's, and father's to daughters. So long as there are no "secrets" in the conversation that have to be kept from the other parent, that is.
I am very open with my children when they ask questions, and will answer them directly and age appropriately. DH on the other hand is rather closed off, and were it up to him, the kids would still be believing they came from under a cabbage leaf and were delivered by the stork. I am careful about the personal information shared, but try to be sensitive to them at the same time. For instance, last summer, DS and I were sitting on my bed, watching Pirates, and out of the blue he says to me, "Mom, do people have s*x JUST to make babies, or do they do it for other reasons too?" I told him that God created s*x for purposes besides procreation, and in a good and healthy marriage, husbands and wives share that experience with one another to demonstrate love. He then proceeded to ask whether or not me and Daddy did that, and I told him that s*x is a personal experience, intended only for the two people who are married to one another. He seemed to understand that well. I want him to be able to respect boundaries and privacy, but not get so hung up on those things that he feels like he can't talk to us.
It's a scary age we're raising kids in these days. DS is in 6th grade and there are 3 pregnant girls in his class. The idea of KIDS having s*x so early just terrifies me, and fuels my intnetion to make sure my children are educated, and feel comfortable enough talking to us about personal matters so that WE can answer their questions. . .not the kids they hang with.
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/3/2010 12:20:00 PM
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W.O.F.
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my husband's mom was the one who talked with him about most of the stuff of babies, etc. His dad was available..but his mother did most of it.
With our kids...we've let them choose which parent they are the most comfortable with....I've always addressed the puberty things with the girls and hubby with the guys....but as for sex...it was whoever was there answered the questions, or took the teaching opportunity if it presented itself via the situation (tv, books, comments, etc).
It works well if both genders are willing to talk with either gender...and both genders need to know what happens with the other gender (to a certain degree) as well...makes them more compassionate brothers and later husbands, and sisters and later wives....
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/3/2010 1:05:12 PM
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stampinlady
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I bought a set of books in a series called, "God's Design For Sex" by Stan and Brenna Jones. I used this and a few things other things to teach the kids. I think we started early because they started asking questions and there was no way I was going to let them get their answers from anyone else but their dad and I. It's a good series.
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Deb
There is no "cosmic dog whislte. It's gonna be loud folks !!!
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/3/2010 2:33:26 PM
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Hislittleone
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GraceyGirl:
quote:
DS is in 6th grade and there are 3 pregnant girls in his class.
*GASP* Wow, that's soooo sad! It's terrible to think of kids that age having sex, much less being pregnant. 
W.O.F.
quote:
It is very important to teach them sexual purity..not just virginity.
That's exactly it (what I was trying to say but you said it better).  Teach them sexual purity and that encompasses the spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects.
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Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/3/2010 2:55:46 PM
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stampinlady
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quote:
DS is in 6th grade and there are 3 pregnant girls in his class.
Do you know this for a fact or are they rumors? The reason I ask is that kids tend to pass things around, especially at that age.
I agree about teaching the whole realm of sex and not just intercourse. I wish I had known some things when I was in my teen. Sadly, I allowed things done to me that I thought was ok because it wasn't "sex." These teens need to know what's appropriate and what's not.
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Deb
There is no "cosmic dog whislte. It's gonna be loud folks !!!
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/3/2010 11:47:49 PM
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luvsrickforever
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I don't remember asking about anything when I was growing up except I asked my mom why we had hair down there and she really didn't know.
We got the menstruation talk in 6th grade and they showed us a movie that I know was for adults because it was shown by a nurse. They didn't have any geared for kids in the 60's. Only the girls got to go. My mom said I was so shocked at that's how it was done but I don't remember asking any more about it. I guess I figured that was how it was done and that was how it was done. Maybe I just don't remember cause it was so long ago. Maybe I don't remember because I was traumatized? LOL
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/4/2010 7:56:18 AM
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W.O.F.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: luvsrickforever
I don't remember asking about anything when I was growing up except I asked my mom why we had hair down there and she really didn't know.
We got the menstruation talk in 6th grade and they showed us a movie that I know was for adults because it was shown by a nurse. They didn't have any geared for kids in the 60's. Only the girls got to go.
I think your school must have been ill-prepared if you watched a movie for adults on menstruation/etc.
My mom, sister and I all watched the same movie at school...that was only for girls, etc. I know it was the same movie that my mom watched in the 1950's cause she came to school to watch it with me...lol (even though she had already told me everything the movie said)....and my sister was like "did they do this and this"...and it was the same movie that she watched in the 1960's (she's older than I am. I watched it in 1980.....
It was standard practice for any movies of this type to be shown by the school nurse or a nurse from a doctor's office nearby as the school nurse is who girls would go to for supplies if they started at school...
and as for other "health movies"...it was standard practice that they be shown by a nurse as well up until the early 1980's as it gave more credence to the information there..and at that time...it was assumed that that way the nurse would only cover the biological facts and not delve into the moral/ethical facts.
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: "The Talk" - 3/4/2010 8:43:53 AM
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GraceyGirl
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Yeah, sadly the girls are actually pregnant. I know of the girls parents. It's unfortunate, but we live in a sexually charged society, and sexual purity is becoming a difficult line to toe.
We had to talk about "purity" versus "virginity" b/c frankly, there's a WHOLE lot that kids can do that isn't intercourse, so technically, they're still virgins. I want my children to be pure. . .and not on a technicality either.
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