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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/12/2010 3:54:01 PM
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FunBetty
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Forgetting the whole marriage/debate aspect of the relationship...I don't understand why one (especially who is a MINISTRY LEADER) would compromise his/her witness by repeatedly disobeying God and living in a sinful lifestyle. It does not matter if it's happened just once or 100 times...the fact that the behavior has NOT STOPPED is a serious red flag. You are admitting to your sin, and yet have done nothing to change the situation to get yourself away from this sin.
If you do not feel that you can continue this relationship by maintaining sexual purity outside of marriage, and neither of you two have made any commitment to either end the sexual part of the relationship or get married right away, then you're walking on very dangerous ground.
I really sorry if I'm coming across so bluntly/harshly...I mean this with all the love possible but you have to remember that there are a lot more people that will be affected by this besides you and your bf.
_____________________________
My PFY
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/12/2010 9:10:27 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
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You have been dating for TWO YEARS and your boyfriend still does not know whether he wants to marry you? C'mon! He's playing you for a fool. You can't see the woods for the trees.
You can have sex occasionally and your boyfriend is fine with that, because, why? If he's a full grown sexually mature male he should want to indulge a bit more than that. You probably were not his first and I'd have serious considerations whether he was actually being faithful to you now.
Generally, if you have to nag someone to do something, over and over again. The chances are, they DO NOT WANT TO DO IT.
He's in a leadership position and hasn't the slightest whim about sleeping with his gf occasionally. His allegiance seems to be to His Church, His parents, Money and Himself more than God. A Godly man would put God first and the love of his life second (by Marrying her).
You know that there is a lot wrong with this relationship. What you are hoping is for an answer that will help you to rationalize it so that you can continue in it; hoping that at some point he will change, marry you and you can be a part of the prestigious family and church where you and he could be the Cat's Meow.
Unfortunately, my dear, God is not smiling on this. We can't get God's blessing for stuff He says is wrong. He's not gonna cosign on your situation/marriage or whatever you call this, until you both have sincere hearts to please Him.
Right now, you want what you want. He want what he wants. And the only tension here is that you are not getting what you want: marriage. I get the feeling if he proposed tomorrow you'd think everything was Okey Dokey. But beware: His heart is not right with you or God. You may look back on the day you married him with bitter tears and anguish because of the hell you've endured. There are so many red flags waving wildly in the breeze here, the only way can miss them is to close your eyes.
It's your choice. Obey God and see this for what it is. Or close your eyes, take a big step toward that cliff and keep wishing.
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/15/2010 9:09:50 AM
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DaveW
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Tania - Are you the same person who used to post under the handle "Sax Girl?"
If so, it seems (if memory serves) that you have been struggling with this kind of situation for a long time.
I understand your reluctance to call this off but IMO you must. You need to find a counselor/accountability partner/prayer partner (could be the same person, could be 3 different women) and get healing from this disfunctional relationship. You are setting yourself for a BIG fall if you do not.
If God wants you 2 together (and it is very possible He does) He will bring you 2 back together. But you need to get yourself together and healed up FIRST.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
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Our CD is available here:
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/15/2010 9:36:43 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
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Tania, I was just looking at your subject line, and here's your answer in a nutshell:
For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality
1 Thessalonians 4:3
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/16/2010 4:47:19 PM
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tania_lizzeth
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Thanks everybody..
the truth is, I realize its hard to take advice, especially the kind of advice that goes against your carnal desires... and i dare to say that maybe less than half the people who come to the forums actually do something about their issues when they involve such a huge change in lifestyle, like my case... we might prefer to take it easy and try to work things out until its too late and then we will hear "i told you so"
Yes, to be honest, i struggled with premarital sex in the past and my ex ended up cheating on me, I was emotionally abused for a long time...
Then I met my current boyfriend and we had a great relationship until we fell into prem sex (2nd time for me). I wanna forget that im so weak in this area...
Looking back on the time i was with my ex, i realize I was not a true christian... my pain is bigger now because I know God opened my eyes and ears to hear his true gospel... and this is not preached in most of the churches... I am now studying at bible school and God is revealing in many many ways... i realize I am a sinner and am saved by grace, but I struggle with sin A LOT.
I openly talked to my boyfriend last saturday until about 2am!!! It was a LONG conversation and I told him I was in a lot of pain because of our sin... he said he was feeling the same way. He agreeded to look for counseling and to start praying and preparing more seriously for marriage... he said he had been thinking about it a lot...
I think this is a good thing... many of you think that our relationship has many faults and we should not think about getting married but I really want to do this... he is a good man, he has fallen, but has not everyone else? no one is perfect and when I look around I see he is just everything i ever dreamed of... so I want to give it a try... I really do... this is the most important decision I will make in my life, im not just saying this because im blindly in love... I really believe he is good for me and I cant imagine myself with anyone else...
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/16/2010 7:27:55 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tania_lizzeth
the truth is, I realize its hard to take advice, especially the kind of advice that goes against your carnal desires... and i dare to say that maybe less than half the people who come to the forums actually do something about their issues when they involve such a huge change in lifestyle, like my case... we might prefer to take it easy and try to work things out until its too late and then we will hear "i told you so"
Nobody is going to say quitting sin is easy; it sure wasn't for me, and I'm in total empathy with you. But there are times to jump off the sinking ship, and this is one of them. Big time difficult and scary but it's got to be done.
When we're in sin, it's like we can't think clearly, because our sin nature is twisting and squirming to keep it's ill-gotten gain and making excuses, and we can't rely on our minds to tell us the truth. In your shoes I'd quit the relationship and get right with God and stay right with God before marrying anyone. A person who has dropped their standards about sex before marriage is at higher risk of doing that after marriage. Your relationship with God is what motivates you, and so far it hasn't be strong enough. Go fix that, Sweetie.  A better, more self- and God-controlled life waits for you, and it's a lot better.
quote:
Yes, to be honest, i struggled with premarital sex in the past and my ex ended up cheating on me, I was emotionally abused for a long time...
Ohhh, yeeeeah. I can match you, scar for scar. My heart hurts for you. But you still have to grab yourself by your collar, give yourself a shake, and go do the right thing - confess and repent - no matter how much it hurts. The ship under you is sinking. Jump!
quote:
Then I met my current boyfriend and we had a great relationship until we fell into prem sex (2nd time for me). I wanna forget that im so weak in this area...
No, face it head on. We're sinners; God knew that because He had to die to buy us out of that. He gives us the Holy Spirit to teach us about Jesus and give us power to live for Him. You need more of Jesus - get back into your Bible and be reading it daily. Get back into fellowship at a Bible-teaching church and go talk to the pastor. Find an older woman who's BTDT to disciple you. Jesus faced our sin head-on; we need to, too. There is victory!
quote:
Looking back on the time i was with my ex, i realize I was not a true christian... my pain is bigger now because I know God opened my eyes and ears to hear his true gospel... and this is not preached in most of the churches... I am now studying at bible school and God is revealing in many many ways... i realize I am a sinner and am saved by grace, but I struggle with sin A LOT.
Do you know the word "incontinent" - it doesn't mean you're not a landmass  but it means the inability to restrain oneself. A baby wears diapers because they are incontinent. A person who can't quit sinning is incontinent. It means a person is ruled by their nature and can't control it.
Where can you get continence? From your relationship with God. Keep your sins confessed, tell yourself "here's the line (way before getting into bed) that I WILL NOT cross," keep learning about God from reading your Bible, pray, stay in fellowship with Christians and get yourself accountable to someone who will help you.
Sin can cause our sin nature to keep squirming to justify itself and we could start giving up the good things instead. We can't serve two masters but we'll end up loving one and hating the other.
quote:
he is a good man, he has fallen, but has not everyone else?
We all are sinners, true. But God calls us to be forgiven sinners. That means we confessed (said we sinned) and repented (stopped doing it). A person who keeps falling is not someone to pat on the head and say, "That's okay, we all do it." Jesus died so we would have the power to stop doing it. It would be healthy to get there before getting married; even married people get tempted and need to be continent. I think sinning after marriage is even easier than before.
To say "we're all human" is to ignore that we had God die for us and don't have to let our sin natures rule our lives. To be human is the potential to be noble. To be human is to be the center of God's attention and sacrifice so we can be holy.
The battle in our Christian walk can be boiled down to:
1) will we please God? or
2) will we please ourself?
The first runs on obeying commandments (Jesus says if we love Him we'll obey Him) and the second runs on emotion ("I want!").
God bless you, Sweetie. I'm praying God will bless and help you today. (HUg)
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/16/2010 8:34:39 PM
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myhusbandswife76
Posts: 409
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quote:
girl thinks some other number of reasons could be keeping him from proposing:
1) girl doesnt have a lot money, her parents either, they struggle...and the guy is longing for a good life with money, new cars, nice house and frequent vacations
Why would you want to be with a man who feels this way about you, and your parents (provided this is true)?
quote:
I dont think he would ever ever ever trust a 3rd party with this issue... nor will he talk about it openly to me since he KNOWS this is wrong and we shouldnt be doing it... so I notice a lot of embarrasment whenever I wanna talk about it...
If he dosen't want to be accountable to someone in his life, that would be a concern for me.
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/18/2010 7:29:20 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4125
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tania_lizzeth
Because of his position at church (worship team, bible study leader), I dont think he would ever ever ever trust a 3rd party with this issue... This is a HUGE red flag to me. It shows me that he is filled with pride. He is putting his own position and ministry ahead of personal integrity. It also says he does not want to be accountable to anyone. We are all commanded in scripture to be subject to congregational leadership. (see Heb 13.17)
quote:
nor will he talk about it openly to me since he KNOWS this is wrong and we shouldnt be doing it... I am very open minded to talk about uncomfortable things, he isnt. If he will not talk about it with you now, will he change enough to talk to you after several years of marriage about difficult things? I see a big possibility that the answer is no. This is another big red flag to me.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/18/2010 8:57:22 PM
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crankius
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I'm afraid that years later, you will look back on this and say, "Why didn't I pay attention to all the red flags?"
If he is not fully honest and forthcoming with the counselor and with his church leadership and his parents and your parents, that will tell you that he is not truly a man who loves God.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
God's Attributes
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/31/2010 6:31:55 PM
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tania_lizzeth
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I was thinking over and over this again... as I said, my bf is taking the marriage thing more serious now... I think solid steps are being taken since we talked..
but the main issue in my mind when i posted this thread was...
could a relationship be Gods will if people are having premarital sex?? I think we started talking about whether all the red flags the relationship has.. but putting that aside (not trying to make it less important) what do you think are the chances that God will be ok with this?
I feel sometimes as if God is angry at us and prem sex makes me feel like my self esteem is non existant and i start thinking about how poor and stupid i am and think my bf might leave me for someone else....!! pffff i dont know.....
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/31/2010 7:30:31 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tania_lizzeth
I was thinking over and over this again... as I said, my bf is taking the marriage thing more serious now... I think solid steps are being taken since we talked..
Oh, he might get his sex life cut off so he'll talk more about marriage... he's not saying, "Hey, Baby, let's get the bloodwork drawn today and get married next week." It's the opposite, in fact. "Let's think more about it, (so I don't have to do anything but can look like maybe someday in the nebulous future it might be a possibility)." Maybe maybe maybe, and meanwhile nothing changes. Talk versus action.
If someone were hitting you with a club, would you want them to stop or to talk about the possibility of stopping sometime in the unmentioned future while continuing to hit you?
Our sin nature will squirm and wiggle and lie to keep from losing it's prize of pleasing itself for the moment. "Don't tell me the Titanic is sinking; I've almost won this poker round and have to finish it! I'll win $20 and I have to look cooler than my rival! No, the room is not tipping, you've had too much to drink but don't bother me, everything will be okay."
Have you noticed his heart isn't broken from sinning against a holy God?
quote:
but the main issue in my mind when i posted this thread was...
could a relationship be Gods will if people are having premarital sex?? I think we started talking about whether all the red flags the relationship has.. but putting that aside (not trying to make it less important) what do you think are the chances that God will be ok with this?
Only God's ways work, so this can't work - it's a moral universe. Sin is never God's will. Premarital sex is never God's will. Look at 1 Thes. 4:3:
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality
If God said that was really important (He doesn't spell any other sin out like this) and that's what you're doing, you are far away and heading farther.
quote:
I feel sometimes as if God is angry at us and prem sex makes me feel like my self esteem is non existant and i start thinking about how poor and stupid i am and think my bf might leave me for someone else....!! pffff i dont know.....
He's a man willing to have sex with someone not his wife, so there's no reason why he wouldn't have sex with someone not his wife after he's married, too. The hedges are already down.
God told us to not sin, not because He's a Cosmic Killjoy, but because He knows sin will hurt us and worse. Look at Romans 8: 6, 13. He died a horrible death to protect us from that.
Guilt is one thing that will gnaw at us, and it's proof of God's grace, of Him calling us to repent (change our lives). We could get hardened to wanting the sinful relationship rather than God and the guilt could go away.
The ship is sinking - jump! I'll save you a seat next to me in the rescue boat (I have an extra blanket and hot cocoa).
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/31/2010 10:09:02 PM
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crankius
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quote:
as I said, my bf is taking the marriage thing more serious now
Has he told his church leadership of his situation with you?
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
God's Attributes
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 3/31/2010 10:27:58 PM
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bolt.
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What are the chances that God is OK with this?
... well, what is 'this'
(A) Being in a celibate dating relationship with someone with whom you have previously had sexual intercourse... He's OK with you accepting, by repentance, His free offer of grace and forgiveness.
(B) Enduring constant temptation, but continuing to expose yourself to situations that tempt you to fornicate with a person you have already fornicated with... He's OK with you fleeing that temptation starting today. He's not OK with you flat-out disobeying Him, while playing like you are trying to honour Him in your life.
(C) Being sexually active on a semi-predictable basis, then feeling guilty about it... Well, think it through... God saw the way sin was destroying His people, and was willing to send the Son of God to be viciously murdered to rescue people from that situation... does that sound like He is "OK" with that situation?
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 4/3/2010 5:10:42 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
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You asked: could a relationship be Gods will if people are having premarital sex??
God Answered:
For this is the will of God, your sanctification:b that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4that each one of you know how to control his own bodyc in holiness and honor, 5not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. 7For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. 8Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. --1 Thessalonians 4: 5-7
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 4/5/2010 1:59:38 PM
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tania_lizzeth
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Oh this is very very hard to hear.
I do not want to leave my boyfriend... I want to stay, I want him to react!!!
For what is worth the one who should be jumping off the ship is him!! I was the one who had premarital sex before, I was the first girl he slept with, I am the one with issues, I am the one who is doing everything wrong because I AM ABLE TO STOP and I dont. Because I feel loved when we sin and the temptation to feel loved is far more strong than the physical feelings.
I just want to stay in this relationship, seek for forgiveness, fight temptation just like everybody else does, serve God together and get married soon!!
I love my boyfriend, I am totally in love, he is amazing... yes, he is sining against God but so am I and we both need Him to restore what we have lost.. but cant we do it together?
I just wish that God could work with us.. through the storm of sin... and let us both come out alive, and together... is that even possible???
or should I just quit and forget he ever existed!!
how is it that so many people are living in sexual immorality in the US and everywhere else.. and they do not have the tiniest of guilts while I am here broken hearted!!
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 4/5/2010 2:16:34 PM
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bolt.
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You are broken hearted because you know God. Because you are His Child. Because you are in Christ.
And you absolutely and totally can "stay in this relationship, seek for forgiveness, fight temptation just like everybody else does, serve God together and get married soon" -- If you actually will do that. If you actually will do whatever it takes to keep this temptation far from becoming possible until your wedding night.
In your case, under these circumstances, when you have already slept with him, and with your personal issues... that I really think that does mean never being alone with him again, until/unless he becomes your husband. If you and he can both actually do that, then do it. If you can't, if you won't, then you've shot your last option.
You should also get a good professional counselor with a Christian perspective to help you through your feelings of desperation regarding being loved. If it drives you, and you loose control, it's a big deal -- and you don't want it driving the rest of your life. You don't want it ruining your newlywed days. You don't want it playing havoc with your parenting. You don't want it driving you into the arms of an affair. If you don't get a grip on it, you will have a lot more pain in your life than you deserve. Sooner is better than later.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 4/5/2010 2:28:59 PM
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FunBetty
Posts: 5000
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From: Land o Cheesecake and Pizza
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You've heard the saying "It takes two to Tango..."
Despite the fact that you have more of an experienced past than he has - the truth is you BOTH made the decision to commit to act. Were either of you forced to do it? If not (and it didn't appear so from your posts), then both of you are equally 50% responsible.
I agree w/ Bolt's advice. It is possible to work through this relationship, BUT you'll both have to do the work to keep yourself pure and be committed to that.
_____________________________
My PFY
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 4/5/2010 3:00:43 PM
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laura...
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According to the bible the will of God in a relationship after premarital sex is marriage. If both of you want to get married, then get married. If either of you are not ready to marry then separate and/or stay out of sin's way. I'm sorry, that's pretty much the bottom line.
Of course God will work with you both. He is constantly working with you both. But, you have to be willing to work with God.
quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
You should also get a good professional counselor with a Christian perspective to help you through your feelings of desperation regarding being loved. If it drives you, and you loose control, it's a big deal -- and you don't want it driving the rest of your life. You don't want it ruining your newlywed days. You don't want it playing havoc with your parenting. You don't want it driving you into the arms of an affair. If you don't get a grip on it, you will have a lot more pain in your life than you deserve. Sooner is better than later.
Yes, you need to deal with your issues surrounding sex and love. If you don't and you marry, these issues will destroy your marriage.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: The will of God in a relationship after Prem Sex - 4/6/2010 11:02:41 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tania_lizzeth
For what is worth the one who should be jumping off the ship is him!! I was the one who had premarital sex before, I was the first girl he slept with, I am the one with issues, I am the one who is doing everything wrong because I AM ABLE TO STOP and I dont.
If he were a paralyzed guy in a wheel chair and couldn't fight you off, then these words above would be true. But he chose to have sex, and there was no gun to his head with someone threatening him, "Have sex or I'll shoot you." (Actually, it would have been better if that's what happened and your bf said, "I refuse to sin against God - go ahead and shoot").
You are responsible for your choices and he is responsible for his choices. If he weren't willing to have sex, there is nothing you could have done to talk him in to it. He is just as guilty as you are.
quote:
Because I feel loved when we sin and the temptation to feel loved is far more strong than the physical feelings.
This is understandable... but understand what you are saying: "I choose to feel what I want to feel rather than obey God." Your feelings are running your life and causing you to disobey God. "If you love Me you'll obey Me." This should be causing your hair to stand straight up.
quote:
I just wish that God could work with us.. through the storm of sin... and let us both come out alive, and together... is that even possible???
or should I just quit and forget he ever existed!!
There's another path: stop the sinning, seek God's forgiveness, and put yourself in a place where it can't happen again. Let the pastor deal with you (if you don't want to work through God's authority that means you refuse God's authority) because the pastor is the Under-shepherd of the Shepherd, Jesus. He is charged with teaching and sometimes rebuking the sheep so they don't hurt themselves. It's for love.
quote:
how is it that so many people are living in sexual immorality in the US and everywhere else.. and they do not have the tiniest of guilts while I am here broken hearted!!
It's because they have given themselves totally up to sin and are trotting down the road that leads to destruction. Their conscience is dead. You feel terrible because God is calling you back from your sin. Your conscience and the Holy Spirit are calling you back to righteousness, which is the only place for true happiness. Go back, dear one. I'm praying for you today.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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My question to you is who's desires are more important? Yours or His?