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bossy child - 5/18/2010 3:40:46 PM
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becomingwhole
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I have a question.. my dd is about to turn 11, and she is very smart, and a huge helper.. loves to teach.. has a great heart for grace and forgiveness, but there seems to be one huge problem.. her friends find her bossy...
Part of the problem is she is usually right about things and if someone is wrong she will point it out, her teachers use her to help teach other students in the class when she is done with her work, and it seems that she can say lets do this, and it may be the same suggestion as other girl, but her tone and approach is seen as bossy.. adults love her, church leaders use her every week.. children her age destory her heart by telling her they don't want to be friends with her because she is bossy..
We have talked about tone, being right, allowing others to do their own things, even if they are wrong.. and it seems to be so hard for her to understand.. her words to me are, "I just want to help" ... she truely is crushed by her friends views of her, so I can say that this is not her heart.. how do I help her learn better ways to communicate??
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RE: bossy child - 5/18/2010 4:29:50 PM
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ForgivenGrace
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The trouble is you are making HER RIGHT and her FRIENDS WRONG.
What is wrong? Unless your daughter's friends are saying that 2+2= 35 or being or about to do something dangerous or being cruel there no wrong. There may be different but that does not equal wrong.
People learn from their mistakes.
Also people will have a different way of doing things but in end what needs to get done is done.
_____________________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. ~Dr. Seuss
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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RE: bossy child - 5/18/2010 4:47:45 PM
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becomingwhole
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I am not saying she is right.. or should I say these are not my words to her.. these are the things her teachers say.. for instance..
During a very important test the teacher was having everyone do practice on the computer.. once dd finished the teacher turns to the class and says.. you all need to be like K... many times in the way the school is set there is a right and wrong way to do it..
I try to talk to her about other people being different.. my point was that even if they are wrong.. let them find out..
I was not the type of child that learned everything easily and use myself as an example to her, but in her logic if her friend is wrong or doing something wrong, or better said, dd see a better way to do it then she tells that person, she is wanting to help them..
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RE: bossy child - 5/18/2010 4:53:14 PM
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becomingwhole
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Also when i say it is okay if someone is wrong.. that is usually when she corrects her little brother who is 8...
He does get quite a bit wrong, but what I try to help her uderstand is that it is okay for him to be wrong, and it is not her job to correct it..
Sorry that was an after thought
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RE: bossy child - 5/18/2010 5:09:17 PM
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theprincessbuttercup
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As a teacher, I see this a lot. I have gently told MANY great kids over the years: Just because it is in your head does not mean it has to come out of your mouth, and, just because you are right does not mean you have to point out that others are wrong. These are tough subtle social skills to learn at times, but I have seen several sweet kids alienate friends, and it always makes me sad. My advice is for them to ask themselves: Does this really need to be said? How should I say it? How would I truly feel if it were said to me?
For example, I have written a word on the board wrong before. There is a VAST difference between a student raising their hand and saying, "I think that word is spelled wrong," and interrupting my lesson to shout, "You left out the I!" Most people, for example, do not like to be corrected in public, so when one kid tells another kid, "You're supposed to do it this way," in front of the group, defensiveness often ensues.
Like I said, these can be complex social skills. I remember telling my DD several years ago, "Would you rather everyone know you're right, or would you rather have friends?" She decided that when it was important she would say something tactfully, but otherwise she would just be a fun friend.
And tell her not to worry too much. At least she's a kid. I know plenty of grown ups who still haven't mastered the fine art of TACT 
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RE: bossy child - 5/18/2010 5:56:04 PM
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smiley7
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quote:
For example, I have written a word on the board wrong before. There is a VAST difference between a student raising their hand and saying, "I think that word is spelled wrong," and interrupting my lesson to shout, "You left out the I!" Most people, for example, do not like to be corrected in public, so when one kid tells another kid, "You're supposed to do it this way," in front of the group, defensiveness often ensues.
Like I said, these can be complex social skills.
And tell her not to worry too much. At least she's a kid. I know plenty of grown ups who still haven't mastered the fine art of TACT
This is great advice becoming. Kids learn very well through object lessons. You may want to try out the spelling error lesson @ home with your DD and try to involve a few people and than inquire about 'feelings.' It sounds to me like your daughter is more intellectual than emotional; might she have a high IQ range? If so, this is also something that needs to be dealt with within the school system, if possible.
You are a great and insightful mother to recognize and look to steer her away from this path because as PB said, many adults have not mastered this skill and they often wonder why they are disliked among their peers.
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RE: bossy child - 5/18/2010 6:47:49 PM
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jaimestarcross
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Perhaps your daughter can benefit from some lessons in manners - social skills...
she at the right age to be learning them.
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RE: bossy child - 5/18/2010 6:50:27 PM
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theprincessbuttercup
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quote:
might she have a high IQ range?
Studies do indicate that children who are gifted have a more challenging time in some social aspects. It is hard to be patient with peers who do not understand things or think in the way they do. I remember this as a child, but I was also very shy, so I wasn't bossy. At least not on the outside. My friend is a gifted teacher, and she spends time with those kids on social skills, organization, even appearance and personal hygiene. When one's mind is always working 90 to nothing, these "mundane" things sometimes get ignored.
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RE: bossy child - 5/18/2010 10:43:15 PM
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becomingwhole
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Thank you all for your responses!! She is gifted, and does stuggle with controling things.. I will keep working in this area, and giving grace and believeing God for moments where I can reach her.. Thank you all again!!
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 12:01:33 AM
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Brandy
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You may also want to talk to the teachers and ask them to back off using her as such an example on how the other kids should be.
To them she looks like the teachers pet and miss perfect. And I'm sure to an extent she's being fed that and using it unknowingly to be slightly more bossy than she may be other wise.
If they constantly use her as an example of right and good, the other kids will alienate her completely.
_____________________________
~Brandy
Our world of us.
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 1:14:58 AM
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ForgivenGrace
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Brandy
You may also want to talk to the teachers and ask them to back off using her as such an example on how the other kids should be.
To them she looks like the teachers pet and miss perfect. And I'm sure to an extent she's being fed that and using it unknowingly to be slightly more bossy than she may be other wise.
If they constantly use her as an example of right and good, the other kids will alienate her completely.
I agree I am studying early childhood education and one of the first we learn is not to over praise our children. For instance when a child is drawing we are told to avoid saying "That is a pretty picture" to every child.
Instead we are told to say "I see you have a lot of green (or whatever color) in your picture." This shows that we have taken notice of the picture a child did or is doing.
_____________________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. ~Dr. Seuss
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 7:24:43 AM
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buckifn
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She needs more challenges. It's almost like you need to set her up for failure. Not literally, but give her things to do that is too hard for her to the point she has to accept help to finish it.
One of my children is extremely gifted, far more intelligent than most adult's and we knew this in elem. school. One of the first things I figured out on my own about my child was he needed challenges and school was absolutely boring to him. We got him involved in private art classes, private music lessons, and also in recreational activities that required more skills and more energy.
After doing that he functioned much better everywhere else. Gifted children need to use their gifts. Find things that interest your daughter and do lots of extra things in those areas.
Another thing that was excellent for my son, which isn't exclusive for boys, although some would automatically eliminate it for the girl's, is to have you or her dad do wood craft projects together.
Begin with teaching them tool safety and responsibility, start out with simple projects such as a bird house, planter, or something, and then let them use their own creativity. I still have several things my son built in elem. school and treasure them. He went from building bird houses to office buildings, and eventually an entire downtown filled with landmarks. It is pretty awesome.
Some of his classes also led to having his work entered in various competitions which naturally taught him to accept both winning and losing which were important to learn as well.
He always won the Spelling Bee, Math quiz, Art show, etc at school so losing was a big challenge for him . You might find the same is true for your daughter.
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 9:00:45 AM
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theprincessbuttercup
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buckfin has wise advice. As a gifted child, everything comes easily....for awhile. By the time I really had to think about or study something, I was in 10th grade. And it freaked me out that I couldn't just exist and get an A. I wish I had "failed" or at least not understood easily as a child. We really don't let our children fail anymore: everybody gets a prize, everybody gets a ribbon, everybody gets to do the assignment over and over until they all get A's. The real world doesn't operate like that. Oops, I think I just got on a teacher soapbax - sorry!
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 9:03:45 AM
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becomingwhole
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Thank you all so much!! You have given me great ideas. She really has a great heart!! She is going to a more challenging school next year, where she knows no one, and is really excited about the art and music programs. She was funny when she found out the compete in Math tournaments.. so maybe that will also help her. After her inital test we were told she will be in good company, and the whole 6th grade class is 30 children where she is use to being in a class of 350. So huge changes are headed her way.. I just want to make sure I am helping and not making things worse...
buckifn.. I put her in tumbling this year so she could struggle because it does not come natural and she has worked so hard..
Thanks again!!
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 9:46:30 AM
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Kat_D
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Since she's a pre-teen, I was wondering if this is a new development or if she was bossy as a younger child? If so, how was it addressed then?
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 10:16:32 AM
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becomingwhole
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Kat_D the short answer is yes and no.. she was orginally a loner, and her classmates stayed the same unitl 4th grade where they broke them all up. So in the last two years she has had to interact with children that are new to her.. hope this makes it all a little clearer.
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 10:29:40 AM
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Kat_D
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So, she never exhibited bossy behavior until she was exposed to these new kids in the 4th grade?
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 2:48:47 PM
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becomingwhole
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Kat_D ... I would not say that these traits were not here, but most of the children that she has been in class with until 4th acted like her. Even now when the school does awards or student of the year things it is the kids she was in class with that are all standing together in the finals, and they all seem to not take offense one corrects the other, or says no don't do that do this...
I do not know if it is because this group tends to think alike or because they have been together for 4 years, but when they were broke apart in 4th grade it became harder for many of them...
Last year my dd spent much of her recess alone, and just this year started hanging out with 4 other little girls..
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 3:18:36 PM
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buckifn
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It's so great you have noticed this and are involved in helping her through these things. You sound like you have a good handle on the situation.
Has there been anything else going on in her life lately that could cause her to feel a sense of "losing control"? Being broken apart from classmates she was familiar with could have been enough to make her feel like that.
Have you talked with her to see what the source may be?
Also how much do you have an opportunity to observe her interactions without it being obvious that is what you are doing?
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 6:29:00 PM
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becomingwhole
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I would say that I have been able to observe her a pretty good bit. Her interactions with her brother can be quite something.. The thing I have been reminding her of is her tone... sometimes it not so much what you say, but how you say it.. and maybe this will help her out some as well.
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 7:22:34 PM
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bolt.
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Would it be possible to begin teaching her that it is fundamentally right that people have personal freedom to express their preferences and make choices?
Not just that it is kind of regrettably OK that they can be wrong, but rather that it is marvelous that they are free to have any kind of perspective that seems good to them. From this you can teach her that it is fundamentally wrong to attempt to interfere with others' freedoms, either in play, or in schoolwork, or in compliance with authority. This leads to it not simply being a social thing that her suggestions are unwelcome, but it frames it in human morality -- which might matter to her a lot more.
Can you teach her to say, "I'm glad he's wrong -- it shows that he has the dignity of being a human that can pick wrong if they want to, and that's how God created us to be. He did it on purpose."
Can you teach her to say, "I know that you are doing what you want. I hope it works out well for you. If you might want a suggestion or two... I have some that I think might help you." And so wait for permission to speak into another person's life -- instead of presuming to a privilege that she has not asked for.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: bossy child - 5/19/2010 10:57:15 PM
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becomingwhole
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Bolt.. I do understand where you are coming from, but I disagree in celebrating the freedoms of people to be wrong.. even the bible says we are to be a witness and point the way to Jesus..
Now in no way am I saying that is what she is doing in this moment, but I do not want her to be silent either as she grows.. instead I want her to learn to be humble in her approach, and if her opinion is not wanted then to back away.. I beleive that her calling is to be a teacher, and have no doubt that God will use all of her quirks to his glory.. just as he does in my life..
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RE: bossy child - 5/20/2010 9:39:35 AM
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Kat_D
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quote:
Her interactions with her brother can be quite something..
What exactly does "quite something" mean?
Is this a younger brother?
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: bossy child - 5/20/2010 10:27:41 AM
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bolt.
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Perhaps you can differentiate error from sin then.
I strongly doubt that she is confronting many outright sins in her child-centred life. I mean more in terms of celebrating that a 4 year old is free to believe that light bulbs grow on trees, seeing that as right, good, and wonderful -- rather than frustrating simply due to it's inaccuracy.
Also, it is important to wait or ask to be invited to speak into someone's life, even if/when we see sin. We are really only called to push into a situation 1. when the sin is against us (so the situation already involves us) or 2. when the one sinning is Church with us (in which case the unity of being Church forms the standing invitation to speak into one another's lives). There is no Biblical call to take note of which sins strangers and non-Christians are engaging in, nor is there a mandate to speak to them about it in corrective terms. When we see people in the Bible pointing the way to Jesus, we do not see that method.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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