Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other mans baby
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Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other mans baby - 6/30/2010 3:50:34 AM
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ryan_kmason
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Joined: 6/30/2010
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My wife met an old flame (she knew before we were married) reconnected with him and after 13 yrs of marriage, thought that she wanted to be with him. After a long trial (two months) we reconciled. My wife just told me on fathers day that she slept with him once and the sex was unprotected and today we found out that she is pregnant. We are both more in love than before the affair and dont see breaking up as an option. But we discussed the option of having the baby. She does not want to put me through this (having another mans baby because of her mistake) but we dont want to kill the baby. I 'personally' dont want to raise another mans baby (we have two together and thats enough for me) but I dont want to kill it (abortion) I want to do whats right, but I know that everytime I see the baby, i will be reminded of my wifes affair, I will never be able to put it behind me in the past. What can we do?
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 4:24:43 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2743
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Adoption.
There are stable married couples all over the country with empty arms - one in six couples is infertile, I think.
Give this child a clean slate with two parents who achingly want a child.
God bless you guys; I'm so glad you're more in love than ever! God's grace to you!
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 10:44:53 AM
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mwcollins
Posts: 38
Joined: 11/26/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ryan_kmason
My wife met an old flame (she knew before we were married) reconnected with him and after 13 yrs of marriage, thought that she wanted to be with him. After a long trial (two months) we reconciled. My wife just told me on fathers day that she slept with him once and the sex was unprotected and today we found out that she is pregnant. We are both more in love than before the affair and dont see breaking up as an option. But we discussed the option of having the baby. She does not want to put me through this (having another mans baby because of her mistake) but we dont want to kill the baby. I 'personally' dont want to raise another mans baby (we have two together and thats enough for me) but I dont want to kill it (abortion) I want to do whats right, but I know that everytime I see the baby, i will be reminded of my wifes affair, I will never be able to put it behind me in the past. What can we do?
Ryan:
Your question of, "What can we do?" Is a question only God can answer. Absolutely no one can tell you to place this child up for adoption or raise this child as your own. You and your wife must take this matter to God in prayer and wait for him to give you an answer. Only God knows the plan and purpose he has for this child's life. You say you would not be able to raise this child as your own knowing how s/he was conceived and you're probably right. In your flesh, and in your own strength you can't do it. But if God directs you to do it, He will enable you to do so. He will give you grace each day and use this experience to transform you and your marriage. Remember, Jesus was not Joseph's biological child. Joseph wanted to discretely break off his engagement to Mary because he thought she had been unfaithful. That was until God stepped in and revealed His plan to Joseph.
So my friend, seek God with your whole heart and only do what He is leading you to do, do not follow your flesh. Ask God what His plan is for this precious life. Remember, He sees the entire picture while you see only a small portion. Don't say what you can't do because His grace is sufficient for you and His strength is made perfect in your weakness. 2 Cor 12:9
Praying for You,
_____________________________
Wanda Collins
Christian Marriage Today.Com
"And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 11:47:58 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1230
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
I 'personally' dont want to raise another mans baby (we have two together and thats enough for me) but I dont want to kill it (abortion) I want to do whats right, but I know that everytime I see the baby, i will be reminded of my wifes affair, I will never be able to put it behind me in the past. What can we do?
*Take this matter before the throne of God and confess all to him.
Ask him to help both you to make the right decision about the baby.
Get rid of the bitterness toward this innocent child and cast down wild imaginations and
renew your mind with the Word of God. Bitterness shouldn't be allowed to take root.
I understand how hard the situation must be but --
If you can take your wife into your arms and love her and not be reminded of her adultery... then
it is possible to see that baby as innocent and therefore it should not be blamed for how it came to be.
You will be going through 9 months of pregnancy with her knowing full well the child she's carrying isn't yours...
that's a long time and in that time feelings change a lot... and mothers do bond with their babies -- with that in mind, what would happen if she can't give up her child?
Don't get to comfortable with the idea that adoption is the solution... keep your eyes open and see if your wife is truly wanting to give up her baby as the months click by... don't press her to do it to save the marriage.
There's a lot to deal with here... then there's the biological father-- will he not have to sign off on the adoption?
As you see the fall out from the affair has so many consequences.
The affair isn't going to disappear when the baby is no longer before your eyes... the affair and her betrayal will still be a fact and memories are very slow to fade.
I suggest marital and spiritual counseling for both of you.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 12:11:52 PM
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aletheiaoz
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Joined: 2/11/2010
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You are certainly faced with a difficult decision. Thank you for chosing to respect this child's life even while it is yet unborn.
I'm not saying this is necessarily the right choice for you and your wife, but I will say this...
Adoption is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to my family. I have two biological sisters and two adopted sisters, and I adore them all, but nothing and no one ever made my family closer than the adoptions of my two youngest sisters.
Adoption is simply this: chosing to accept into a family and love someone who is not naturally "yours" by birth. So...in your case...adoption could mean (1) adoption into another family better suited to care for this child or (2) your adoption of your wife's child as your own.
Here's what I have to say about the second....
Adoption has also made me see that in the grand scheme of things, genetics and blood tyes really don't mean a thing when it comes down to real love. Love is a choice. Perhaps it is a choice that comes naturally when we feel "tied" to someone through genetics/DNA...they are "ours" in a sense....BUT it is none the less strong where the choice has been made to love regardless of circumstance, heritage, or a shared genetic link. If anything, that love CAN be stronger because of that choice. Consider Christ. He chose to love us and die to bring us into his family that we might be bought into his family, despite our shortcomings.
Pray. A lot. Seek God's guidance...and your wife's heart. This child, regardless of how he or she was concieved, was created with a purpose - Jer 29:11 - even from birth. God already has a plan for his or her life. You are part of that plan in that your decision will play a major role in how he or she grows up, who he or she calls 'Daddy' and who is there for he or she, to tuck them in at night, take them to little league, and someway walk them down the aisle. Make a decision so that child can have the best possible father....whether that means adoption into another family, or you personally adopting them as your own, regardless of everything else. It won't be an easy decision either way, and it may involve sacrifice, but often the most meaningful things in life are brought to us through pain and sacrifice. That's the bittersweet nature of life in this fallen world.
You're in my prayers.
< Message edited by aletheiaoz -- 6/30/2010 12:19:14 PM >
_____________________________
"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important." - CS Lewis
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 1:02:30 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3362
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
There's a lot to deal with here... then there's the biological father-- will he not have to sign off on the adoption?
No. As the legal husband, Ryan is automatically the legal father. The bio dad would have to petition the court and prove paternity to have any paternal rights.
Ryan, You have two choices: adoption or welcome this child into your family. Never say, "never". You can love this baby as your own. You can put your wife's infidelity behind you even if you keep the baby. It all depends on what you choose to do.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 1:04:08 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 424
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
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That was beautiful Aletheiaoz!
I have a sister and sister-in-law who both have given up babies for adoption. They have quite the testimony and say the look on the couples' faces was priceless. They both have peace about their children going to good homes. Please look into adoption.
_____________________________
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts; so I am helped, and my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him." Psalm 28:7
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 1:58:50 PM
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Taffy_
Posts: 2234
Joined: 12/13/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
There's a lot to deal with here... then there's the biological father-- will he not have to sign off on the adoption?
No. As the legal husband, Ryan is automatically the legal father. The bio dad would have to petition the court and prove paternity to have any paternal rights.
Ryan, You have two choices: adoption or welcome this child into your family. Never say, "never". You can love this baby as your own. You can put your wife's infidelity behind you even if you keep the baby. It all depends on what you choose to do.
Are you advising that she not inform the bio father of the pregnancy? What if he wants to "adopt" his own child? Do his wants not matter?
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 2:41:56 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3362
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Taffy_
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
There's a lot to deal with here... then there's the biological father-- will he not have to sign off on the adoption?
No. As the legal husband, Ryan is automatically the legal father. The bio dad would have to petition the court and prove paternity to have any paternal rights.
Ryan, You have two choices: adoption or welcome this child into your family. Never say, "never". You can love this baby as your own. You can put your wife's infidelity behind you even if you keep the baby. It all depends on what you choose to do.
Are you advising that she not inform the bio father of the pregnancy? What if he wants to "adopt" his own child? Do his wants not matter?
I'm not advising one way or the other.
Legally the bio dad has no paternal rights unless he petitions the court and proves through DNA that the child is his genetically. Even then it is still up to the court to decide whether or not he will be granted paternal rights. Of course, along with any grant of paternal rights would be the liability of child support.
Legally, Ryan is the father and carries all paternal rights and responsibilities because he was married to the mother at the time of the pregnancy unless the court decides otherwise. It matters not if they were living separately. Legal marriage = legal father. In fact, if Ryan had chosen to divorce his wife because of her infidelity, Ryan would have still been legally liable for child support.
The bio dad cannot just "adopt" the baby. He would have to prove paternity and then he would have to fight for custody unless Ryan and his wife chose to allow him to adopt the child and a court granted the adoption.
Does the bio dad's wants matter? In my opinion, no. He chose to have an affair with a married woman. No paternal rights to a subsequent child is just one of the consequences of adultery.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 2:58:27 PM
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Taffy_
Posts: 2234
Joined: 12/13/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
ORIGINAL: Taffy_
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
There's a lot to deal with here... then there's the biological father-- will he not have to sign off on the adoption?
No. As the legal husband, Ryan is automatically the legal father. The bio dad would have to petition the court and prove paternity to have any paternal rights.
Ryan, You have two choices: adoption or welcome this child into your family. Never say, "never". You can love this baby as your own. You can put your wife's infidelity behind you even if you keep the baby. It all depends on what you choose to do.
Are you advising that she not inform the bio father of the pregnancy? What if he wants to "adopt" his own child? Do his wants not matter?
I'm not advising one way or the other.
Legally the bio dad has no paternal rights unless he petitions the court and proves through DNA that the child is his genetically. Even then it is still up to the court to decide whether or not he will be granted paternal rights. Of course, along with any grant of paternal rights would be the liability of child support.
Legally, Ryan is the father and carries all paternal rights and responsibilities because he was married to the mother at the time of the pregnancy unless the court decides otherwise. It matters not if they were living separately. Legal marriage = legal father. In fact, if Ryan had chosen to divorce his wife because of her infidelity, Ryan would have still been legally liable for child support.
The bio dad cannot just "adopt" the baby. He would have to prove paternity and then he would have to fight for custody unless Ryan and his wife chose to allow him to adopt the child and a court granted the adoption.
Does the bio dad's wants matter? In my opinion, no. He chose to have an affair with a married woman. No paternal rights to a subsequent child is just one of the consequences of adultery.
The married woman also chose to have this affair with him. So...........does that make his opinion in the life/death or adoption of HIS child not even come into play here?
Legally can she get away with this - YES.
The question should be SHOULD they as a Christian couple do this?
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 3:20:48 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3362
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Taffy_
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
ORIGINAL: Taffy_
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
There's a lot to deal with here... then there's the biological father-- will he not have to sign off on the adoption?
No. As the legal husband, Ryan is automatically the legal father. The bio dad would have to petition the court and prove paternity to have any paternal rights.
Ryan, You have two choices: adoption or welcome this child into your family. Never say, "never". You can love this baby as your own. You can put your wife's infidelity behind you even if you keep the baby. It all depends on what you choose to do.
Are you advising that she not inform the bio father of the pregnancy? What if he wants to "adopt" his own child? Do his wants not matter?
I'm not advising one way or the other.
Legally the bio dad has no paternal rights unless he petitions the court and proves through DNA that the child is his genetically. Even then it is still up to the court to decide whether or not he will be granted paternal rights. Of course, along with any grant of paternal rights would be the liability of child support.
Legally, Ryan is the father and carries all paternal rights and responsibilities because he was married to the mother at the time of the pregnancy unless the court decides otherwise. It matters not if they were living separately. Legal marriage = legal father. In fact, if Ryan had chosen to divorce his wife because of her infidelity, Ryan would have still been legally liable for child support.
The bio dad cannot just "adopt" the baby. He would have to prove paternity and then he would have to fight for custody unless Ryan and his wife chose to allow him to adopt the child and a court granted the adoption.
Does the bio dad's wants matter? In my opinion, no. He chose to have an affair with a married woman. No paternal rights to a subsequent child is just one of the consequences of adultery.
The married woman also chose to have this affair with him. So...........does that make his opinion in the life/death or adoption of HIS child not even come into play here?
Legally can she get away with this - YES.
The question should be SHOULD they as a Christian couple do this?
There's nothing that she would be "getting away with". Ryan's name will automatically go on the birth certificate as the father because he is married to the mother. Christian or not they don't get to choose. The only way he would not be named as the father is if he files a denial of paternity in court during a divorce proceeding. My understanding is that Ryan has no intention of divorcing his wife.
In my opinion, as a Christian couple, I hope they choose to raise this baby as the gift from God that he/she is. If they choose to place the baby for adoption, then I would hope they would give the bio dad first option as long as bio dad is likely to be a good father.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 6/30/2010 4:57:39 PM
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KaptZ
Posts: 643
Joined: 10/28/2009
From: The swamps of Jersey
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
There's nothing that she would be "getting away with". Ryan's name will automatically go on the birth certificate as the father because he is married to the mother. Christian or not they don't get to choose. The only way he would not be named as the father is if he files a denial of paternity in court during a divorce proceeding.
Maybe the laws vary state to state, but when my children were born there was no 'automatic' with the birth certificate. You stated the names of the parents. My wife could have named some one other than me if she believed that was the case. I could assert that she was wrong as, you point out, but we certainly could 'choose'.
I would just do the DNA test and if the 'old flame' is the biological father then he should be on the birth certificate. Otherwise it does smack of deception. Besides the kid may need to know his/her medical history inherited from his/her 'father' someday.
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 7/1/2010 8:44:53 AM
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theprincessbuttercup
Posts: 2294
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I recommend the book Surviving an Affair, and also the website founded by the Christian author of the book, marriagebuilders.com. This man has helped thousands of couples who have been through adultery, and there are MANY couples who have an OC in the picture as well. There is more than one right choice, and these people who have been there can help you through it.
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Jude 24, 25
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RE: Wife had an affair and is pregenant with other man... - 7/1/2010 11:15:52 AM
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havit2thefull
Posts: 10
Joined: 6/6/2010
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Know someone who went through this, stayed married, kept the child.
It was a blessing. The siblings love each other unconditionally, despite learning the truth in later years. The father had no problem whatsoever in having the child as his own, in fact, considers it a blessing. Many people have "surprise blessing" children. It's not undoable.
Pray obviously. But don't rule out the option of giving this child your devotion and love.
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